I was unnerved to read on the Starpulse News Blog that British actor Rupert Everett (My Best Friend’s Wedding) is pitching the idea of a celebrity sperm bank. According to the story, Everett is convinced that the sperm of such luminaries as Brad Pitt, or the eggs of Angelina Jolie, could be sold for big dollars. I’m sure they could. We live in interesting times. But think of the consequences. And I don’t just mean lots of little Tom Cruises running around.

Pardon the pun, but this idea is likely to sow the seeds of considerable confusion when it comes to naming the “celebrity” offspring.

Is the offspring from a celebrity sperm bank truly a “celebrity baby?” Not really. A celebrity baby is more than just Hollywood sperm and eggs. It’s an event. It’s a baby registry at Petit Tresor. It’s when speculation about the baby’s name bumps news about the war in Iraq. It’s renting small African nations for a private maternity zone. It’s the cover of Vanity Fair magazine.

Most important, what possible name could the new parents bestow upon this half-famous, half-unknown infant? The hallmark of a celebrity baby is its wacky name. You’re not a total celebrity baby unless you’re called something like Shiloh, or Suri, or Moxie Crimefighter. But the offspring from a celebrity sperm bank can scarcely be named Bluebell Madonna or Jonas Rocket. They will have to grow up someplace like Cleveland, Ohio, not Beverly Hills. Think of the confusion this will create deep in the psyche of the poor child. To have the blood of Tom Cruise coursing through your veins, but to be named Bud? Or to have the genetic gifts of Paris Hilton, only to be named Linda? We’re talking serious therapy by the age of 9 at the latest.

So no, Mr. Everett. We all understand your desire to make a buck. And no doubt you think you’ve had the Big Idea. But it’s not going to fly. The world is confused enough. And we certainly don’t need a new breed of  “half-celebrities” with boring names growing up in Arkansas.

 Rupert Everett

 

 

 

 

 

Photograph by Photorazzi

 

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